Wine-Tasting Woes

Here's another short vignette I wrote about my experience in Sicily. It's just a lighthearted larf about drinking wine on vacation. Somehow, it embodies a certain sense of Gonzo, even though I wrote this before I knew what Gonzo was. Here it is...don't judge me.

I almost peed in the corner of the church in Monreale. That’s how badly I had to go. I was drunk in a church. Hey, I’m no angel. I had to keep reminding myself not to touch anything or say anything. Just smile and look interested. A nap in the pew would be golden right about now. NO! Wake up, dumbass, the giant Jesus can see you.

Wine— it’s hard to avoid in Sicily. It’s even harder when you take it upon yourself to become an expert wine taster in a few days. Wine tasting is a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it, and I’ll be damned if that somebody isn’t me. Of course, as I ambled through the church, barely paying attention to the tour guide, I knew I wouldn’t need anymore wine for a while. We’d just come from Osteria Calatrasi Emporio, one of the many wine vineyards in Sicily. This one specialized in cheap wine for college students on Spring Break.

Let me get one thing straight—before we even had lunch I was drunk. I’m not saying this to brag, but to put you in my shoes. You wanna go to Sicily, you wanna try the wine and get a better appreciation for finer things, instead, you take the wine no one else wants to drink so it won’t go to waste, Jeremiah tries to teach you the important things about wine tasting, but all you keep thinking is “Holy crap, this got me drunk in like five minutes.”

Now, leaving the church, I realized I was sobering up at 5 p.m. I got back on the bus and tried to nap so I would have energy for later, go out and drink more wine with my new tasting skills, get drunk, pass out, wake up, and get drunk at lunch again. Wine is so unappreciated in Sicily.

-April, 2006